There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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