i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
