I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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