What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
