I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize