just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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