Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
