i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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