How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
