can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
