i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
