So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
