even my farts smell like vagina
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
