i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
love makes seman taste better
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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