you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
