my phone needs a breathalizer
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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