I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
