U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
