Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize