im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
