you traded sex for a burrito?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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