Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
