Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize