He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
