Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
