My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
