alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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