Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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