I have demons in me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you didnt know i had herpes?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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