he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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