The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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