maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
