I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
