i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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