Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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