My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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