i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
