Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
