This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
