Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
