i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
