There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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