I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
