Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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