Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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