period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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