Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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