Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
