I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
