just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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