Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
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