I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
