it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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