could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
