Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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