If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
She's the barista slut.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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