Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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