Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
