No awkward lesbian experiences without me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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