somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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