That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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