Tell her she can't have a vagina
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
