Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize