My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
