worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
