shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
