The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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